For the love of coffee

As an inveterate trekkie, here’s some stuff I’ve done as homage to my favourite series.

A lot of this circa 2005-2006.

Click here to go view "Beep Explained", perhaps my conceptually finest Flash animation of all time.

 

Fanart

Stuff I've drawn over the years. Click the thumbnail for the full sized image.

Crafty Coffee Consumption

Question: Where would a site entitled "for the love of coffee" be without a section exploring the wonderful stuff?
Answer: Living in the bottom of someone's sock draw, sharing all nearby ameneties with a half-eaten chocolate bar.

The following information may not be entirely accurate, useful or even worthy of your precious time.

How To Spot A Cup Of Coffee

First up, how you can spot a cup of coffee. Examine a potential coffee object carefully. Here is an example of how to identify coffee.

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This is a chicken.


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This is a cup of coffee.

   
Don't panic if you can't tell the difference right away, with practice and dedication you can become an accomplished coffee spotter. Coffee is often seen in workplaces, cafes, homes and Starfleet ships and offices. If you come across a cup and wish to sample it, do so, but be warned that if the cup belongs to someone else in the vicinity they may get violent. To determine if the coffee's owner is nearby, study the next section carefully.

How To Spot A Coffee Drinker

This skill is very important if you wish to sample a seemingly unowned up of coffee (see above), and must scout out the area.

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This is a coffee Drinker.

Note the cup in hand, slightly insane look of satisfaction and gaze well and truly centered on the liquid. Coffee drinkers are most often found near cups of coffee, however there are instances where they can be found away from their beloved drink.

If you do find a coffee drinker away from their cup, it is most likely that they are low on caffeine. It is therefore advisable to run for your life or quickly prepare a cup of coffee for them.

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Sometimes a coffee drinker will decide to spread their love of the beverage. Not suffering from weaknesses like a hatred of garlic or holy water, they use devastating psychic powers and verbal persuasion to swoop down upon an innocent victim and forcibly spread their way of life. The above image demonstrates a coffee attack in process. If you witness this occurring, run (see above).

Love Of Coffee: An Epidemic Through The Crew

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Though the constantly caffeinated Captain is most well known for her love of the beverage, most of the people surrounding her have succumbed to her amazing psychic attacks.

Tom Paris was actually the first person to be seen onscreen with a cup of coffee, and has drunk a lot since then.

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Coffee, now. Right now. Hurry up. Need coffee.
 
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Neelix! She keeps kicking me under the table!


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Hooray! Coffee! Wooo!

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"Oh no! OH NO! Decaf!"

I hear you saying, pfft, Paris and Janeway, so what? Surely the rest must love tea! Well, that's not true, and I'll prove it. Chakotay, second in command, seems to be running third in the "I love coffee!" stakes, and is the only crewmember whose innards were visible in order to see the drink's internal progress from mouth to gut. Good work, Chakotay!

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Right: Chakotay turns see-through, a common side-effect of prolonged coffee consumption.

Don't forget Harry Kim. Everyone does.

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Harry Kim gargles the alphabet, to impress Neelix.

And he is by no means the only person with a yellow uniform to love the stuff.  B'Elanna's genetic heritage on both sides has been known to drink coffee, and she's not letting us down. Watch her drink! DRINK!

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I wonder if I could gargle the alphabet through my coffee.

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Right, here I go... A... B....

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I'm so depressed. I keep getting stuck at J

But wait, there's more! Voyager is a ship that runs as much on coffee as antimatter reactions. Of course, coffee isn't limited to those of higher rank. Ensigns often enjoy the bittar nectar in the mess hall or their quarters.

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Ensigns Wildman and Burk in coffee action

In fact, it's not even limited to the humans! Janeway often shows the crafty strategy of discussing bargains over a cup of coffee. Brilliant!

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Tash gestures at the drink. Janeway thinks of cheese.

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Even an alternate reality needs coffee, proves Cosimo.

And in the vast emptiness of space, whose job it it to provide the caffeine, pour the drinks and ensure the sugar level is just so? The ever-faithful Neelix! Morning, noon or night, there is always someone somewhere in search of coffee. Not a substitute (Neelix tried and failed to introduce one to Janeway), but the real stuff. Dark, bitter, and filled with caffeine to keep the everyday human trapped in the Delta Quadrant awake, and ready to explore some new phenomenon.

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Paris thinks about cheese

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Janeway isn't actually awake, she's sleep-drinking

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B'Elanna studies gargling carefully

neelix4.jpg"Hail Neelix, giver of coffee!"

Indeed, no other Starship captain could cope with the stress Janeway finds herself bearing as she tries to get her crew home. The secret? Her coffee consumption has transformed her into a Super Caffeine Being. Existing primarily on a plane unseen by those without sufficient caffeine bloodlevels, Janeway's endurence and insight are both the result of her ever-present and beloved coffee. Using her amazing psychic powers, she converts the rest of the crew and thus makes them almost as powerful as her, speeding their return home. Her confusing hairstyle is actually a coffee retaining tank, acting a bit like a camel's hump as a provision for coffee droughts. Here is a diagram of what she would look like if you were a fellow Super Caffeine Being.

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So what may we surmise from all of the information above? We may conclude that a hat isn't meant to be worn on the foot, but this has nothing to do with the information, so mentioning it is rather irrelevant (Seven of Nine would be proud).

1) Janeway is actually a psychically infective being, spreading her wonderful disease using her position of command and insistent vocal commands.
2) Ensign Kim can't work out why his ability to gargle the alphabet through coffee never wins him any ladies.
3) B'Elanna can't get past J.

Thanks to Coffee Nebula for some of the screen captures used here.

Sugar Stick Propulsion

Its only when you stare at the warp engine for long enough that you realise how much it looks like a really big version of one of those plastic-wrapped sugar tubes you can buy at carnivals.

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No wonder everyone in Engineering is so jittery.

Allergic Allegory

Voyager's bad luck explained, mysteries revealed, tissues used!

Hay fever. It effects so many of us, but there are coping mechanisms, antihistamines and tissues to help us. Without these safeguards, some of us would be watery-eyed, explosive-nosed, and miserable. What does a rant about hay fever think it’s doing on a Voyager fansite? I’ll tell you what.

The Universe has hay fever, and Voyager is making it worse.

If you think about it, the Badlands are a kind of universal nasal hair-filled sinus. They’re pink, gooey, with bits you don’t want to run into.

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As a side note, “Bald Sand” is an anagram of “Bad Lands”. This would account for the initial sparseness of the universes’ nasal hair – it is going bald.

The whole chase sequence between the Marquis Ship and Voyager would be like a fly up your nose, if you were the universe. It’s no wonder if sneezes the ship a very long way. The caretaker is nothing but an intergalactic gob.

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Subspace anomalies? Nah, they’re just the Universe sniffing and clearing its throat. Take, for example, the temporal distortion in Parralax. That was the Universe looking in its bathroom mirror, and hoping to see why its throat was so sore. Voyager saw a reflection of itself, made indistinct by throat spray.

Still not convinced? But ho, you say, what of the Kazon, they’re not sneezes, and they don’t like Voyager!  Every time the Universe sneezes, or blows its nose, another Kazon sect is born. Of course, we’re never introduced to the Kazon Tissue, Kazon Back-Rub and Kazon Too-Much-Pepper-On-My-Steak, they’re far too dangerous to even think about.

The quickest way that Voyager could have gone home would simply be to fly upwards until they found the sinus wall, rub it a bit with the hull to irritate it and wait for another gigantic sneeze to send them home.

Anagramitis

Janeway is a deeply conflicted woman. Thankfully her anagramitis has been cured by a stint of writing Oxford and Harvard style bibliographies for assorted chimp’s masters degrees. Some remnants of the disease remain.

“Coffee, Black” may sound like a cry for coffee, but if you re-arrange the letters, you get “FAB CLOCK FEE”.

If she had not been cured, her life story may have gone like this:

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Once, when she was a young clock saleswoman, who sold her wares for a fabulously low fee...

A sentence so oft said as “I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager” has hidden meaning if one looks at the anagramatical potential - “I shot a Hank! Go Panic, a mat - nav, a wry jet fuse.”

...she shot a man called Hank, merely to confuse those around her, whom she urged to panic. Thankfully, she was confused by the carpet, which looked more like a mat than a full room covering, and got distracted by a passing navigational jet that had a wry fuse...

Starfleet, to her, is just a “Felt Rest”

...So entranced was she by the jet, she stared for hours. Eventually, she felt like a rest, and joined Starfleet by mistake. Thus, her career advanced, owing to her amazing clock saleswoman abilities...

Even the strategic recruitment of Paris was a mistake. She was trying to tell her superiors that “I'm a sport”, not that she wanted to find “Tom Paris”.

...And so she found this Paris and, seeing as he was there, quickly made up a reason to save face...

She asked her psychologist what lay ahead, and he said “A Marquee chase”. Knowingly, she interpreted this as “A chasm, squire”.

...Afraid of the chasm that loomed, she barely noticed as the ship was flung into the Delta Quadrant. When she was informed of her new location, she mistakenly thought “Let Quad a Trend,”, thinking that it was actually being brought to her attention that ensign Quad was wearing his socks inside out intentionally...

It is a releif to all who have known her that she received early and effective treatment. It is a testament to medical science that people with Anagramitis can be integrated into everyday society and lead an (almost) normal life.